Hey there - I am alive and kicking!

I've undergone my surgery. The tumour was removed successfully. However, I have residues left.  The diagnosis turned out to be a high grade tumour, due to which I have to undergo Radiotherapy + Chemotherapy. I have speaking difficulties - Since I know many languages, (I am a jack of all languages, master of none :-) ) I speak in a mixture of all languages. I have word - finding difficulties. I go blank when I think of a word I need to speak. All that said and done, I am fine. 

I underwent my first chemo + radio session for last 5 days. As long as tiring is concerned, I am tired. Can't go to office anymore. Need to sleep a lot. 12+ hours a day. But I've brought about a routine in life that was missing. I do www.lumosity.com in the mornings. Some yoga when I find time :-). I nap in the noons. Then the dose of medicines starts. And, off to the hospital. Then, evening walks. And, off-to-bed by 9 - 10. 

This is what was missing from life, and I am grateful to almighty that this has proven to be a blessing in disguise. I tend to plan ahead of time. And, this is great! My husband comes for walks with me. He takes me to the Radiotherapy sessions. I am so so so greatful to have found someone like him :-)

Amma is there with me continuously. And, I cannot thank her enough. Dad shuttles between brother's house and here. Friends came over to see me. Family was there throughout. I've got nothing to complain about :-) 

But be cheery and merry!

And, Hey!  Merry Christmas to one and all! There ends my first post after the surgery. More to follow.

Life is not about Facebook pictures, selfies or parties!

I have always been hesitant in writing this post. However, it happens to be one of the posts that might inspire many who are going through a tough phase of life.

Life poses many challenges - it could be an examination failure, a broken marriage, not being able to grow in our careers, many many such. Life's all about how we walk through, and come out, stronger, and ever more vibrant.

I always post the best moments of my life on Facebook. I always like portraying myself as a happy person(not that I am not). But that's not life! Give me a break, how can life always be an "and lived happily after?" tale. I hate telling my woes to my family or friends (spare a few :-) ). But this one, is something that everyone needs to know.

It is very important to have a positive family with a happy outlook. My biggest blessing is that. We do not have surprise parties, we do not believe that ONLY people who wish at 12 a.m are the best of friends/family. We do not believe that life is all about social networking. We might not call each other for ages, but we will still be best of friends/family whenever we do! We believe in being present at a time when a person needs us the most.

So.. here goes my happily ended fairly tale:
In 2009, I had a generalized seizure in a bus. Upon investigation, I'd been diagnosed with a brain tumour, very close to my speech centre. Being fond of talking, this was a concern for me :-). We took a second opinion, and decided to get the tumour removed. But there was a caveat. My doctor wanted to do an awake surgery, in order to ensure that my speech centre is not harmed. Well, the first question that arose was - How can that happen? Won't I feel pain? And the doc says "The brain does not feel pain".  I did not read much about this. However, it was I, who took the decision to do the surgery. Most of the times, awake surgeries are not successful, because the patient does not respond well. So, I had to train myself mentally to ensure that I extend full co-operation to the doctors who were operating on me. I read books, remembered my hospital number, and I told my sister-in-law who also works at the hospital to ask me a few things, so that she can ensure I am doing well. In fact, this was when I started reading Harry Potter and I'd told her to ask me quizzes on that! All said and done, I had to ensure that I could remember 5 languages - English,  Konkani, Kannada, Malayalam and Hindi.

I fairly remember being taken to the Operation theatre. But I do not remember anything until I was woken up by the team of doctors. They constantly asked me to talk. And, I kept on talking. In between when I got bored, I spoke to my husband on phone! I made sure I kept the talking going on - My speech was dear to me! I remember lecturing a doctor who asked me if it's hurting, saying "The brain does not feel pain!". This was a 7-hour surgery with me being awake for around 2 hours. After this, I had to undergo another one in 2-days, to remove a few residues.

I went through all this, without realizing  anything, because I had a family that cared for me. My husband stayed with me through out the 10-days I was in the hospital. He made it fun for me, by showing me sit-coms, movies and you-tube videos. My mother-in-law's sisters took turns to visit me. My mother was always with me. My dad visited me everyday. I remember my concerned relatives visiting me one by one. My grandfather was the most concerned of the lot! I totally understand why. My sister-in-law who worked at the hospital, could silently sneak in interesting snacks for me :-). All in all, I never felt un-cared for. I had such a huge support, that I never had the time to even think of the word "care".

I took a month's medical leave, and got back to a happy working life in 1 month. Most people did not even know that I went through this, because I had no scar on my head. (I could cover a small scar very easily with my bangs or long hair). It's been close to 5 years, and I even changed jobs without realizing what I'd been through. Of course, when I look back, I find it difficult to believe that I was so strong. It was a very different me in that one month of "vacation". It's almost like I had a split personality!

In these 5 years, I've had beautiful moments - My one-month Europe trip was the best thing that happened to me! Thanks Nimmy for being there! My brother had a healthy baby boy, and he is already up and running! I've made the most wonderful friends, and our bond has only grown stronger :-) . We've discussed our ups and downs, and the bond grows stronger every time we speak, however rare that be! My family and friends were the best things that happened to me. I've had my bad times too, like everyone does. But my support system outdoes all that!

I had a small residual tumor left behind after my surgery, because it was very close to my speech area. Hence, I keep doing 6-monthly MRI-checkups. In my recent scan it has re-surfaced, and I need to do the same procedure again! I, who had told "never ever" to an awake surgery, is preparing myself for another one. This time, I know there are 70% chances of radiation to follow, but I am trying to stay calm. I need to take rest and mentally prepare for the battle that follows. The best thing is, I have the same support system, albeit 5-years older, but they have the same enthusiasm that'll keep me going.

This one's dedicated to all my family and friends, who have been with me in person or in spirit. I love you guys more than anything else!
And, to my husband - I am looking forward to many more road-trips! We missed the Eiffel last time, I'm positive we'll go back!

Happiness........

For me, happiness is a collective entity. Happiness is not an individualistic characteristic, but a group's trait. Even the biggest success of life can stop bringing a smile on our faces, if we don't see our near and dear ones smiling. On similar lines, even the biggest sorrows might disappear from the mind for a moment, when a loved one seems to be happy .

For me, happiness is all about myself relative to others, and others relative to myself, and, ofcourse the others here being my near and dear ones. I fail to see the celebration of my success with pomp and show when my best friend has had a let down. Similarly I fail to find a reason not to celebrate when my closest friend is getting married on the one hand, and I have had a let down on the other.

Happiness is about sharing with the caring. It's contagious in the sense that it spreads to you when your loved one is happy. It's contagious in the sense that it spreads to your loved one when you're happy. It's true that staying happy is the best way to stay healthy. And, staying healthy is the best way to stay happy.. And there comes a vicious cycle.

Happiness has a magical touch to it. There is nothing happier than happy :) I wish all my loved ones a happy happy :) :) :)

Terror everywhere...

I was in my apartment grabbing my evening cup of tea, and I switched to CNN IBN. There comes the breaking news :

INDIA TERRORIZED AGAIN - DELHI BLOWN !

What followed on television was the sight of a number of laymen bleeding - Some even dead - being rushed to nearby hospitals.

I wonder, if the perpetrators of the crime watch these gruesome videos of innocent victims. And, if they do, I wonder if their conscience ever awakens.Cos there have been more blasts following every since, and every Indian wakes up wondering - Which city next ?

These are men whose conscience has been raped and murdered, and subjugated to an extent that it has become non existent. I am sorry I said "MEN". They are an insult to the very name "MAN". They are incapable b@#$@#$s who donot live in peace, nor let others live in peace. They don't understand "humanity".

Forget their nation, do these cowards not love their families ? If they do, then why is it so hard for them to realize that they are killing people who are dear to many ! Why don't they visualize their own mother/sister/father perishing in terror? What is that hell of a joy they get out of killing innocent victims and hiding somewhere !! Life and death is in God's hands - And they are not GOD to kill people.

How I wish I could throw a glass of acid on those F!@#$%s. How I wish they can be chained and paraded like animals, and whipped by the general public. How I wish they rot in hell when they die. How I wish they are made to pay - inch by inch for every ounce of misery they've caused. How I wish they go through the most gruesome death anybody has ever undergone.

Its the anger boiling within me that makes me say this. Its anger in everyone's minds around. Its the inherent humanity that makes me want to punish the terrorists for their dastardly act. But the fact remains that I, like everyone else around, am thinking from the heart. I wish, a day will come, when, we rationalize our thought process, and realize, that prevention is better than cure".. If you chop a tree, it still continues to grow, but if you remove it by the root, it dies. I hope we do something similar to terror.

Having said that, I hope, a day will come, when people can safely venture out without thinking "What if I am the next victim?"

Meanwhile, I am signing off, wondering, like many others, "WHO NEXT ?"

I just remembered a previous post of mine

Today morning, I went to a hospital. When I came out, my bike was hidden and covered from all directions with other bikes. Realizing that it was literally impossible for me to take it out, I took help from a security guard. I was very impressed by his help, and decided to tip him. I gave him a ten rupee note. AND HE REFUSED TO TAKE THE MONEY. :-) -> This reminded me of my previous post: http://vandyhasablog.blogspot.com/2008/03/one-rupee-tip.html.

I liked the guard's sincerity, but, one of my friends(to whom I narrated this incident) actually got me thinking "if accepting a tip is bad". Well, if, someone tips for a service after being happy with it, it might be his way of encouraging the person performing the service.

Comments are open on this. This looks like a topic to debate on.

Independence

Well, independence day is long over, and I ain't talking about that :-) I am talking about my Independence day, and what this "independence" means to me - Coincidentally, I too celebrated it on the 15th of August.

Well, the whole thing started about a month and a half back. I was having a tough time traveling to work, and maintaining my study timetables. It was time I moved out to a place closer to work. As I've spent 2 years of my life studying for THE vouched MBA (and I failed miserably), my parents concurred with the idea of shifting me out into a different place - thinking I would find more time to study as well as to work.

Staying alone brings with it myriads of issues. Makes me think twice before I take any decision now - I am solely responsible for anything I do. Staying alone means no mommy to oil your hair on a weekend. Staying alone means having to cook your own food (or to eat the junk outside). Staying alone means washing your own clothes, checking if the main door of the house is locked, cleaning your own toilets, buying soaps, detergents, shampoos, ironing your own clothes – Staying alone means, in a single word -RESPONSIBILITY.

Luckily for me the above mentioned chores are not new - thanks to an independent, non pampered upbringing. But somewhere, I do feel I have become more responsible. (Not that I wasn’t responsible earlier). And the most important benefit of being independent is moving into a self introspection mode, and getting to know oneself better. This is what I enjoy the most. There are times when I try to draw graphs of my behavioral trends in my mind. I analyze myself, and dig deep into my conscience. Certain actions of mine seem non understandable, certain logical, certain impromptu. I now get sometime to sit back and think about every moment of my life, every person in my life, every interaction I have with people. I get time to study people around me and myself. Last but not the least; I have learnt the importance of people in life. Every relationship counts here, and there is no substitute for a mom, a dad, a brother, a friend, and a life companion.

Sociality

We live in huge societies barricaded by tall walls of caste, language, region, religion, etc. “Society”, or, should I say “sociality” is one of the basic attributes of human beings. We all like to live in our own groups, and very often, we define ourselves according to the “majority” of the group. We all have personal preferences, but, if our personal preferences conflict with that of the group, the fear of alienation makes us believe, we are wronging, and, those preferences get buried deep under the sand. Groupism gives a sense of belonging to human beings, and, in turn, and huge degree of moral support. Often, the fear of loneliness, and abandonment, makes people confine themselves to the ideas of the group. The group whose walls are defined by the immediate family, by the caste and religion, is the first group every individual is a part of by default (in India). The other groups form gradually with time. They include friends, colleagues, etc.

Often, groups suppress individualism. This has its advantages, as well as disadvantages. An individual may suppress his desires to abide to the group, and he’ll be called a good team player. He might have sacrificed uphis own “desires” for the group’s well-being, and this would be acceptable to him. However, on the other hand, (and this is usually the case) certain individuals bury their passions and desires with the fear of abandonment. This brings in a lot of dissatisfaction in life. Very often, such behavior will lead to a loss of inner happiness, and the individual ends up leading a life according the whims and fancies of the group.



A few examples of the advantages and disadvantages of “groupism”.

• Rekha belongs to an orthodox South Indian Brahmin family, and lives in a village. She has topped her 12th std board exams, and wants to study in a good college in a city. However, people in her village do not let girls go to cities without getting them married. She succumbed to these ideas, and got married to a city guy to pursue her dream of studying in a city college. However, after marriage, she was not allowed to study, as her husband didn’t want a wife more qualified than him and, she had to again sacrifice her desires.

• Anitha and her friends wanted to go for a movie. Out of the 10, she was the only one who watched the movie, but, she decided to go along with her friends once again. In this case, Anitha did sacrifice for the group, but, she did it out of her own willingness.